Rethinking Anxiety in Neurodivergence: When Anxiety Makes Sense
By Jennifer KempNeurodivergent people experience anxiety at significantly higher rates than the general population, yet it is an experience that therapists can easily misunderstand. Most of our existing models of anxiety place the problem inside the person. Anxiety is often thought to originate in faulty thinking, patterns of avoidance, and the misperception of threats. But this framing is incomplete.
If you are Autistic, an ADHDer, or have another form of neurodivergence such as OCD, PTSD, Tourette’s, dyslexia, or paranoia, anxiety isn’t something wrong with you. It is a predictable response to the friction you experience when living in a world that doesn’t acknowledge or meet your needs.
Navigating systems, spaces, and relationships that are not designed for your neurotype creates daily stress. You expected to constantly adapt to your environment, reshape yourself to fit in, and strive to meet others’ expectations. It can feel like you are constantly failing to meet unspoken standards that simply aren’t aligned with your strengths and abilities.
“Performing neurotypicality” requires constant attention, but without it you risk rejection, alienation and loneliness. Those negative experiences of criticism, exclusion and miscommunication somehow cost more, and they accumulate, forming an interpersonal “trauma load” that you carry into every new situation. Meanwhile, your nervous system remains on high alert, waiting for the next painful situation to appear.
In this context, anxiety makes sense. It’s your nervous system doing exactly what it’s designed to do – keep you safe. No wonder being told that your reactions are out of proportion, or that you have cognitive distortions (“thinking errors”), feels like gaslighting – the problems you are experiencing are real.
This kind of chronic stress can show up as inflexibility, meltdowns, shutdowns, or situational mutism. You may feel heightened pain, headaches, or notice your health declining. Your reactions may be misunderstood as avoidance, laziness, procrastination, or lack of motivation. Your sensory avoidance might be misread as a phobia, demand avoidance may be misunderstood as non-compliance, and rejection sensitivity may be dismissed as social anxiety, even though it provides essential self-protection. And, if you mask heavily, you may seem calm on the outside while your nervous system is completely dysregulated inside. As a result, others may not accept or respond to your requests for help.
An affirming approach to anxiety
If anxiety is the natural by-product of living as a neurodivergent person in this world, you don’t need to spend your time wondering, “Am I being anxious, or is this something else?” Instead, you can start with one simple question: “What is my nervous system reacting to?”
This simple shift reorients your entire approach to anxiety. It is no longer a problem with you. It’s not a personal flaw or a weakness, either. It may not even be a problem to be solved.
It’s just useful information.
Your anxiety is highlighting, anticipating, and warning you about stressors that are happening to you, within you, and around you. These may include:
- Sensory stress such as noise, lighting or crowds
- Bodily stress such as hunger, pain or fatigue
- Social stress such as the need to mask, experiences of rejection, communication breakdowns or bullying
- Systemic, minority stress such as discrimination, marginalisation and stigma
- Executive functioning demands such as workload, life transitions and unexpected change
- Uncertainty or stigma related to your identity, gender, or sexuality
- Emotional stress such as hyper-empathy, meltdowns or traumatic memories
- The stress of living with chronic health conditions, hormonal changes or medical trauma and unmet needs
Listening to your anxiety
Looking at anxiety from this perspective fundamentally changes how you respond. Instead of trying to fix your “broken” or “illogical” thinking, you can focus on:
- Building your self-advocacy skills
- Asking for accommodations and support
- Making changes to your work or living arrangements
- Looking after your body by getting more sleep, drinking more water, or eating regularly
- Finding new ways to harness repetitive behaviours to self-soothe
- Spending time deeply focused on your interests, and/or
- Building relationships with people who can help you co-regulate.
Belonging is a fundamental human need, and at the heart of nervous system regulation is feeling safe and connected to others. Even though genuine belonging may feel hard to achieve, you can start by looking for people who share your interests and appreciate your differences. These are likely to be neurokin who know how it feels to be different.
Managing anxiety is about much more than treating or overcoming anxious thinking. It’s about listening to what your anxiety is telling you and building a life in which your nervous system can finally relax.
Jennifer Kemp is a clinical psychologist, late-diagnosed Autistic ADHDer, and co-author of The Neurodivergence Skills Workbook for Autism and ADHD. She sees clients and trains therapists to provide effective, affirming support to neurodivergent clients. Follow her at @jennifer.kemp.psych
