Navigating rejection in the holidays
By Jennifer KempImages of “perfect families” with broad smiles (and matching knitted sweaters) are painful when these warm, welcoming connections and feelings of belonging are not your experience.
Holiday family gatherings are where old patterns come alive and ingrained roles get reinforced. An uncle’s “joke” about how sensitive you are. A swipe at your use of pronouns. Your cousin’s invasive question: “Are you STILL single?”
Bang—this activates your RSD. You’re flooded with powerful emotions that take you back to your awkward teen years. The stress of hiding your distress adds to your sense of overwhelm. You’re performing “normal” for people who’ve never accepted who you are.
Every social interaction feels like a performance review where you constantly monitor for signs of alienation and disapproval. Your internal monologue keeps asking:
- “Am I talking too much?”
- “Am I being weird?”
- “Am I holding too much eye contact? Not enough?”
- “Am I being too loud? Too much? Putting people off?”
- “Do they actually want me here?”
You feel pressure to perform happiness while masking your fear and hurt. Meanwhile, just one critical comment can leave you feeling shattered for days. Exhausting yourself to avoid rejection, you:
- Monitor your behaviour constantly
- Scan faces for disapproval
- Suppress stimming
- Hide meltdowns and shutdowns
- Pretend that harsh comments don’t hurt
- Smile through microaggressions
- Tolerate sensory stressors
Afterwards, no matter whether the event goes well or not, you conduct an ongoing “social autopsy” where you analyse every interaction and evaluate your social performance. If anything went wrong, you blame yourself, worrying about:
- “What’s wrong with me?”
- “Why is this so hard for me when it’s easy for everyone else?”
This sends you into a shame spiral and prolonged shutdown. In response, you isolate yourself, anxiously seek reassurance, or take angry swipes at those who’ve hurt you like that sulky teen.
Your Permission Slip: Look After Yourself
Despite what you may believe right now, your holidays don’t have to look like anyone else’s. You don’t need to meet social expectations that aren’t designed for you. So, here’s your permission slip for the holidays.
You are allowed to skip events that aren’t emotionally safe for you.
However, there’s a difference between needing time alone to recharge and avoiding everyone because you are afraid of being hurt. Instead, try to:
- Spend time with people who accept you, including your pets
- Focus on comforting activities
- Use stimming for emotional regulation
- Take time out to nurture yourself
- Say “no” to unreasonable requests
The holidays don’t need to be perfect Hallmark moments. To connect deeply with others, you need traditions that don’t require you to pretend to be someone else.
So, focus on finding the places where your nervous system relaxes because it’s no longer under threat. Seek out people who understand you, prioritising safety and authenticity over obligation and performance.
You deserve to feel safe and to know that you belong.
